Sintopia Review

Belinda Carlisle once famously said that Heaven is a place on Earth, but what about Hell? If you asked the 80s popstar, who knows what she’d say. Is Hell the setting of Office Space, or is it where you go when you die? It could be online dating apps, given my experience with them. The developers of Sintopia seemingly agree. The game isn’t a dating simulator, just to be clear, nor does it take place on Earth as we know it. However, it does involve a lot of bureaucracy, the hard place, and some minor relationship manipulation. And it’s a hell of a lot of fun.

Setting aside, Sintopia is a weird game. It isn’t strictly a management simulator, nor one where you exclusively play God. The title involves a lot of strategy, but it’s a far cry from Civilization or Per Aspera. The result is a game that plays more-or-less like RollerCoaster Tycoon with a bit of reverse tower defense thrown in alongside a healthy dose of dark humour.

After a couple of tutorial missions, you’re given free rein of one of the many hells that exist within Sintopia’s universe and told to manage it as you see fit. Your ultimate goal is to make Humus (no, that’s not a typo, the overworld is inhabited by sentient chickpeas) atone for their sins. That part of the game isn’t difficult to describe. When a Humu dies, they’re sent to your domain, and you have to make them pay for both the expenses they incur during their stay and the misgivings from their previous life. You construct various lighthearted torture stations to do so, alongside paths to guide the fallen and staff for all your un-attractions. It’s essentially a standard management sim with a unique skin. 

And that’s not a bad thing. The core gameplay loop of Sintopia is super satisfying. There’s a surprising number of specific sins to punish and a huge variety of buildings to do so. Your realm is never short of visitors, so corralling them takes skill. Your budget is directly tied to how many souls you process, too. Learning how to build the perfect multi-layered hell isn’t easy, but it is enjoyable. The bureaucracy-heavy elements won’t appeal to everyone, but anyone who enjoys management sims will find it rewarding. 

‍Sintopia isn’t just a paper pusher’s weird wet dream, though. You also get to meddle in the part of the world that usually falls under God’s purview. When you aren’t assigning imps or laying out the perfect set of cobblestone roads, you can cast spells in the overworld. These range from lightning bolts that kill annoying Humus to abilities that encourage them to reproduce more efficiently. 

You’re never given direct control over the sentient chickpeas when they’re alive, and for the most part they’ll survive with or without your help. But you can influence things. Help them out in battle by dropping a rock on their animal opponents, and you may reduce the number of sinners heading your way. Set their village on fire, and you’ll have more souls to process - and more resentment when they inevitably return. How much you interfere is largely up to you, and while these godlike mechanics aren’t as deep as the management side, they offer a fun change of pace.

The fact that Sintopia has an actual narrative helps, too. It’s a mostly PG-13-esque affair without many major twists, but across roughly 10 hours, you’re introduced to a range of quirky characters and more puns than you can shake whatever book Ellie read in The Last of Us at. Ultimately, it serves as an extended tutorial for the sandbox mode, but it’s goofy and amusing in a good way. 

All told, that’s what makes Sintopia worth recommending. The story and setting are lowbrow and undeniably silly, but the management mechanics are as in-depth as many of the genre’s heavy hitters. The result is a game that’s engaging without being overwhelming or stressful. Its visuals and humour will hook you early, but there’s enough depth to keep you playing for hours. 

It may not be the best management simulator ever made, but it never outstays its welcome — and it certainly won’t make you scream “to hell with this”.